i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
As shirtless as possible
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
