someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
