I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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