I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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