be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
