please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
