you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
