I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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