Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
