She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
