Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
