new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
