The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
