I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
