He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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