does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
