This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
