so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize