Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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