He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
