I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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