Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
