If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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