Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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