I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
