Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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