Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
