Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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