I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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