So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
