My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
