I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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