Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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