when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
