Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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