Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
