Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
