I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
