drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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