i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
