Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
