You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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