wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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