I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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