I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
