just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
