Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The air taste purple.
Randomize
