It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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