She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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