is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
