good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that's an acceptable place to lick
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
