i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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