I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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