I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
