im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
